so i’m plugging away at some new songs, really trying to dig in. it fascinates me that most of the time (knock on wood) music comes so easily to me, but i labor over words sometimes to the point where they become meaningless, and where i risk killing the magic of the song they belong to because i am focusing (obsessing?) on them so intently. so what happens is i am left with an incredible wealth of musical material and a lot of it is kind of in a stalled state because i’m fighting for that perfect chorus or whatever. and then i think about all the terrible, truly awful, music out there that sometimes enjoys success and is so totally devoid of meaning and wonder what i am doing obsessing all this time. i don’t even know that anyone pays attention, or if the words i agonized over are even that good in the end. but i know that i tried, and i can’t NOT try. but i wonder what would happen if i just stopped trying. you know, like sat down and did it all from scratch, all in the moment, and never looked back, just called it done right then and there, and let it stick. because the truth is that everything creative can go on forever if you let it, if you won’t put it down. songs, stories, scripts, prints, films, paintings, anything really–all can go through a million rewrites and permutations and edits and do-overs. and how do you know that you didn’t have it already? that you didn’t actually fuck it up at rewrite #8, ’cause #4 was really it. i guess some people are great at letting things lie, committing to them. but i am one of those insane rewriters. over and over again. a word here, a line there. a whole new direction here. but perhaps i am on to myself in this, wiser. and perhaps from that i can stop myself from going overboard.

and it’s interesting how life is the opposite of that. you can’t redo a damn thing. it is finite and complete every moment you’re conscious. everything in our natural makeup fights against this impulse to constantly revise. and yet we get bogged down. it’s not enough to make something, leave something behind, capture something momentary and beautiful. we have to leave a legacy. and it has to be perfect. right? or maybe not.

anyway, these tunes are coming along. i am doing weird things here, playing piano parts all of a sudden. faking lap steel parts with my hollowbody electric guitar across my knees. programming weird drum beats and synth lines. these are just demos, but there’s a lot to work with. and as torturous as it can be, it’s fucking fun, too. i hope to share some of this with you soon.

Continuing my whole what-is-this-blog exploration:

Is it just about the music? I mean, this blog is linked from my band’s website. I could conceivably talk about my band/music on a very regular basis and that would be all well and good, I suppose. Should that be all? I mean, for many, that’s enough. Perhaps my problem here, and maybe in life in general, is that I long for more truth, which in my mind means more complexity, more dimension. And maybe there’s a time and a place for that, and here ain’t it. Blah blah blah.

I’ve decided to challenge myself with this whole blogging thing a bit more. In other words, to actually maintain it, give it all the de rigueur bells and whistles and what have you, and–and here’s the really tricky/iffy part–make it honest. Oh, and regular, too. This is a tall order and in the interest of honesty I have to say that I am not sure I will have the time or inclination to really make this thing sing in a way that I can take pride in, or even take an interest in. The thing is, blogs are a dime a dozen, and I feel like I have more exciting things to share and to do in the world than sit here and share all of my musings with an anonymous and probably meager throng. I like actually talking to people, looking them in the eye. Or creating things that are a little more complex, and therefore a little more interesting. Spilling words into the void isn’t really my thing. But at the same time I find this whole blogging experience fascinating. And I mean that pretty self-indulgently. All these questions arise about self-censorship, about how much of yourself can actually be (safely) shared in this medium. If I were honest with you, dear reader, I would also offend most of the people I’ve ever known at some point, I’m sure, and I would offend myself. And who wants to do that? So, if I’m not here to be honest, or to make enemies, what then?

I don’t know. But I am enjoying the journey. And even if this becomes a blog on the nature of blogging, then that’s cool, too. The blogosphere is kind of a toilet, anyway. I don’t know that my mess needs to be added to it.

i am attempting to register my blog with technorati.com, and to start actually sprucing it up a bit. we shall see…

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